Let us begin.
Today I was a good person. I didn’t threaten to kill anyone (well not out loud). I didn’t make fun of anyone (well no one who didn’t ask for it). I worked during class (well I procrastinated through 70% of it. But I got shit done). I didn’t swear (well not out loud. I think). I didn’t physically abuse anyone (except one piece of shit who deserved it). I didn’t fuck with my friends (well I did. But I gave her phone back. Eventually). I didn’t curse the weather God (well I just bitched about them). I didn’t do anything illegal (well I did. But it was for the sake of my sanity). I didn’t commit adultery (well I’m not married so I can’t).
So as you can see. I have not done anything to deserve an act so cruel that it shattered my avocado-covered heart.
I had just arrived at campus. I pulled out my phone. I went on to Google. I searched for something that would complete my life. I found it. I clicked on it. A message popped up. And what did it say? I’ll tell you what it motherfucking said…
Pokemon Go cannot be found in your Play Store.
EXCUSE ME, WHAT. I HAVE WAITED 20 YEARS, 6 MONTHS, 1 WEEK, AND 3 DAYS FOR THIS. AND YOU ARE GOING TO FUCKING TELL ME THAT YOU CANNOT FIND IT. BITCH WHAT DO I FUCKING KEEP YOU FOR. DO YOUR FUCKING JOB AND FIND ME MY GAME. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FULFILL MY DESTINY IF YOU CANNOT FULFILL YOUR DUTY AND GET ME MY DAMN POKEMON GO. I WILL CHANGE MY MOTHERFUCKING OPERATING SYSTEM IF YOU DON’T GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. HOE.