Babies. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THOSE TINY FRAGILE DO NOT DROP THINGS!

So yesterday I was chilling in my wtfamisupposedtocallit room sewing accessories with some PG16 music blasting from my earphones. I was vibing…

…then, all of a sudden, the father walks into my whatchumacallit room CARRYING A BABY HE PULLED FROM I DON’T KNOW WHERE. He starts putting it near me. I just looked at it for a second. And then kept on sewing. He kept on standing there with it. It kept on staring at me. I kept on sewing. 

Like. Seriously. Why would you bring a baby near me. I’m the most unbabysuitable human. You can’t do shit like that.

Firstly, you’d have to childproof me before you even think about bringing those fish spawn near me. I will accidentally break them. I. Break. Everything.

Secondly, I don’t know WTF to do with those watermelon seeds. They cannot talk. They do not understand me when I talk. They do not watch the same shows as me. They do not know how to play 9 cards.

Thirdly, those odd shaped sausages make me nervous when they stare at me. Like why. What are you expecting from me. I don’t have drugs.

I mean, babies are cute and shit, but they’re not for me. I’d awww and die of love at them in pictures and shit, but in 4d form…like no. 

Whenever one looks at me in public, my heart pounds with fear and my stomach churns with dread and I can’t deal with life. 

So I hope everyone has learnt a valuable lesson here today.

DON’T DALLA ME BABIES. 

Okay bye,

A Person Who Is Not Baby Safe

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