Okay so there’s this lady from my church who, despite being friends with the parents, I still kinda liked. Until today.

So a couple of weeks ago, I went for a function and she was there. And I was, of course, dressed in full black with my kinda new black lipstick which I absolutely love. Now despite my usual anti-social behavior, I smiled at her, cause as I said before, I kinda liked her. Until today. 

Anyway, in the morning, while I was getting dressed for church, the mother came and said to me that I should not wear my black lipstick. Now, me, who is confused as fuck because I don’t wear lipstick on Sundays because it takes me 10 minutes to put that shit on and I don’t have 10 minutes because my eyeliner takes up most of my time and I’m not ready to wake up 10 minutes earlier because I’m a lazy ass motherfucker, looks at her like wtf. And that’s when she tells me that that lady told her that she should tell me to STOP WEARING BLACK CAUSE IT’S SATANIC AND THAT SHE’S WORRIED ABOUT THE WAY I’M DRESSING.!?;:’ Bitch what.!?;:’

Like what the actual fucking fuck. Okay so the colour black is satanic now? Does that mean I’m extra Satanic cause my hair is black? So are all humans who are born with black hair are spawns of the devil? And lets not forget about the black animals who are probably just demons. I guess electricity is also Satanic cause black coal is used in producing it. Black garbage bins? Satanic. Tyres? Better order some white ones like McQueen cause guess what, Satanic! Those assignments and shit you printed out in black ink? Those are now spells from the Satanic Bible. Oreos? Satanic. Black buttons, studs, scissors, handles, glasses, plugs, teddy bear noses? Satanic. Batman? King of Satanism.

I guess the KKK are going to heaven cause they wear white, and of course God judges you based on the colours you wear and not on the person you are. I guess the cults who sacrifice virgins are actually just sending them to heaven cause they put them in white dresses. Funerals? Oh we are wearing black, not because we’re mourning oh no, but because we’re actually sending your soul to Hell (See this is actually a Satanic ritual in disguise). I guess black cellphones, telephones and smartphones are used to summon Satan. Satan on that mainline, tell him what you want. You’ve got to call him up and tell him what you want.

Okay, in conclusion, if any of you own anything in the colour black, you are, according to that lady, Satanic. I will see you bitches in Hell.

(I mean. Like seriously. You cannot be that fucking stupid. And wait, you are fucking WORRIED about me. Well you should be worried about yourfuckingself, cause I’m about to draw a pentagon around you in my blood and sacrifice you to Satan. I really can’t deal with this type of bullshit anymore. Anyway, I’ll be wearing full black to church for the next couple months. Hopefully that scares her. If not, I can always chant.)

Okay bye, 

The Person Who’s Gonna See You Bitches in Hell

PS. We should all put in some money and get a pizza on our way there. I’ll pay for extra cheese. XXX